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March 25th, 2006
09:22 pm - hey man!
Sooooo, pics from Alchemy the other night have been posted on my xanga, if you'd care to look. :-)
www.xanga.com/blastgrl86
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March 20th, 2006
12:56 pm
So the past few days have actually been quite interesting.
Friday Jenn, Nick, and I went to Mount Saint Marys to celebrate Saint Patricks day with Jen Jen. At first we were unsure as to whether or not we were actually going to get liquor cuz the person who was supposed to get it for us decided she didnt want to at the last second. But Jen made a few calls and finally found someone to pick some stuff up for us and we got vodka, vanilla flavored vodka, and Jack for me!  Mmmm, Jack and Coke...  Anyway. We watched Rent and had drunken sing alongs and it was wonderful!!!! LOL, like seriously that was so much fun. I wanna do it again. I should too cuz we all got distracted and missed like more than half of the movie. I remember being VERY surprised when it was over. There were some drunken phone calls made too. I remember calling Guy and leaving a message where the first half was like all of us going "did it beep? I dunno if it beeped. Are we leaving a message? I dunno!!" He called back later tho and that was pretty much me, Jen, and Jenn crowding around the phone going "GUY!!! WE LOVE YOU GUY!!!!" Heh. Lets see, who else? I vaguely remember calling Brian and making Brian talk to Nick, but I don't remember why. I remember calling Blake and saying a bunch of random shit to him then getting mad at him for wanting to hang up. And I also vaguely remember calling Aja. I think I left a message? I'm not sure. And if I did, I have NO idea what I said. I just know it must not have been good. So I apologize for that. SORRY AJA!!! I also remember really really wanting to talk to Skyler or Danny but trying to refrain from continuing with the drunk dialing.
Oh, and then Nick and I accidentally got ourselves kicked out of MSMU. Heh. That was fun times. (please note the sarcasm). But yeah, Jen and Jenn had gone to sleep at this point and we didnt wanna wake them with our talking so we went and sat in the hallway. After being in the hallway for like 10 mins, a security guard comes by and informs us that it is after 2. (it was like 4 am) We did not understand the significance of this. So he asked if we were students and we said no, we were visiting a friend and thats when we learn that boys are not supposed to be on the girls floors after 2. Whoopsies. And boys are supposed to have male hosts and never leave them during their stay. Whoopsies again. So now we have to go wake up Jen and inform her that we've got a tiny bit of a problem. The security guard was trying to figure out what to do cuz Jen couldnt get a hold of any of her guy friends and Nick hadnt driven there so he didnt have a car to sleep in so if he got kicked out it would be standing on the side of the highway for him. Soooo, we had to wake up Jenn and we ended up just all 3 of us leaving. So kind of a crappy way to end such a fun day but it wasn't SO bad. Kinda funny, looking back on it.
Then what else. Saturday, went with Jenn to see Blake in his show. He played Duke Dodo. It made me giggle. . And seeing Mike Mejia (sp?) prance around saying "I like flowers  " kinda scared me, heh. But whatever, it was a cute show. And all the little kids got autographs from them at the end. Adorable  . Afterwords, went to get lunch with Jenn and Blake, then I met up with Nick later and started watching King Kong. The people on that island scared the crap outta me and I coulda sworn the old lady was gonna show up in my dreams that night and I would die in my sleep. Haha.
Sunday, saw Terry for all of like 10 minutes. That was kinda funny. It took him about 5 minutes to realize I was standing in the doorway. I scared him. Tee hee  . But it was nice seeing him again (like 2nd time since we graduated) and we agreed to call each other and to chill at some point over spring break. Then Brian picked me up and I went with him to hang out with John and Art and it was fun times. We kinda sorta watched the movie Kids but it was too disturbing for Brian and Art to really sit thru so they'd randomly leave and come back throughout the movie. John was determined to make it through the whole thing but there was one scene where all 4 of us had to leave the room, haha. After that we watched Office Space (good movie) then went and got ice cream, watched some more tv, then went home.
All in all it was a kind of eventful weekend. But fun overall, I guess. Anyway, spring break has officially started. ALCHEMY THIS THURSDAY. Its gonna be sweet. Whos in??
...Its a dark, dizzy merry-go-round
As *he* keeps you dangling,
Your heart *he* is mangling.
And you toss and you turn
Cuz *his* cold eyes can burn
Yet you yearn, and you churn, and rebound.
I think I know what you mean...
Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?
This is spooky.
Did you swoon when *he* walked through the door?
Every time -- so be cautious
I'm getting nauseous...
I'm defeated, I should give up right now.
Gotta look on the bright side with all of your might
I'd fall for *him* still anyhow.
When you're dancing *his* dance
You don't stand a chance
His grip of romance makes you fall
So you think, might as well...
...Dance a tango to hell
"At least I'll have tangoed at all"...
You pretend to believe *him*,
Cuz in the end you can't leave *him*
But the end, it will come
Still you have to play dumb
Till you're glum and you bum and turn blue
Why do we love when *hes* mean?
Current Music: Tango: Maureen
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March 14th, 2006
03:41 am
Happy.
Isn't that good to hear?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/happy_sp.gif) amazing
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February 8th, 2006
09:43 pm
I learned something about myself today:
I am so fucking lonely.
And I would let someone use me just to feel like I might actually be able to be loved by someone.
And now I feel so sick to my stomach. Almost like my world is crashing down around me. I feel weak. Like if I tried to stand, I'd just collapse. I feel so cold.
I already knew I didn't have much self esteem or confidence but apparently I have absolutely none. And no self respect either. I feel dirty.
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February 6th, 2006
12:37 am
I don't really understand myself. Why am I always so willing to put myself through shit I KNOW will hurt me?
why do I keep doing this? Is it because its something more? Or is it something more because thats what I want it to be? And why WOULD I want it to be something more? Why would I want it to be anything at all? Could it be just because I'm used to it? Am I making myself believe its real? Or is it really real?
If I'm questioning it so much then it can't be real, can it? Then again, I question everything. Especially if it means something to me.
But it hurt so much last time, why would I be willing to put myself through that pain again and again? Is it real?
Can't be real. Think about it. Think about everything thats happened. Do you see the pattern? Of course you do. Do you accept it? Thats another question.
Either way.
You don't accept it. You make excuses.
You accept it. It wasn't real. Never was. You know this now. Does this change anything? No.
Still stuck.
Why does it even matter? It shouldn't matter. This shouldn't be a problem. It ISNT a problem. You're making it a problem. Back to the beginning.
Why do I keep doing this?
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February 2nd, 2006
06:06 pm
I feel weird... Maybe its just because I'm bored and lonely... Restless... I dunno.
Its weird. I was looking forward to school starting for so many reasons and now that it has... all of a sudden it doesnt matter. Not even the fact that tech is starting soon makes me feel any better. Its just a bunch of people I'm not really close to.
I'm kind of stuck in the past. Can't wait til people come home. Lonely.
I either feel amazingly happy and inspired, or a kind of numb depressed. They go back and forth. Pretty quickly too. Couple times a day. Wonder why.
On the bright side, this summer should be an exciting one. Eric and Zak's 21st birthdays (damn my friends are getting old :-P), this party Lauren and I talked about having which is gonna be awesome. I vaguely remember making camping plans with someone... Shreya was that you? Or Lauren? Or both? Either way, that'd be a lot of fun too. Just a bunch of plans that should be awesome.
Still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life. Maybe I'll just move away. To the country or something. Some random little town somewhere. Theres something peaceful about the woods. I should go for one of my walks sometime soon. Havent been for a while. And I want to be somewhere where I can really see the stars. The sky is really beautiful. I'd like to be somewhere beautiful.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/sad_sp.gif) down
Current Music: "Saints" ~ The City Drive
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January 24th, 2006
12:36 pm - :-(
I feel like I'm about to explode here.
I hate having to keep things inside like this. All it does is just tear me apart. But at the same time, theres no one I CAN tell. Anyone who would understand would kill me. Anyone who doesnt know the backstory wouldnt understand why its such a big deal. So I'd explain and then they'd kill me too. I can't help how I feel.
In an effort to avoid getting hurt again, I tried to tell myself I felt nothing. That everything that had happened didnt mean anything. It was working until he called me on it. It was working till she told me to be more open. I thought yeah, maybe I should be. So I did. Little by little.
I shouldnt have listened.
Current Mood: hurting
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October 22nd, 2005
06:09 pm - YOU
So. Does anyone even read this?
Should I make any effort at all to keep this going?
I don't know if people read it and just not comment or if they dont read it at all. So I dunno. The end?
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October 8th, 2005
11:55 am - odd
odd how im writing this here instead of in my xanga. I guess cuz no one reads this anyway so it doesnt really matter very much.
I'd been doing so good. All of a sudden I crashed. A friend was able to bring me out of that low but I only lasted a couple days. I crashed again last night. I started crying. I couldnt stop. It hurt so much. So much.
Theres only 2 people I feel actually care. Neither of them live anywhere near here. Ones in another state and the others in a whole other country.
It hurts a lot when you truly feel so alone. I remember thinking the words "all I want is to be loved..."
I remember wishing I could just waste away. I remember wishing that accident had turned out a lot worse.
I found a random xanga today dedicated to a girl who had committed suicide. So many people wrote about how much they loved and missed her. It made me feel so guilty because it reminded me of how much i say i want to die and how little i care for life. It made me feel sick.
I'm feeling really down now. Wishing I could skip the show tonight. And usually tech is the place I go to forget about whats bothering me. Have I lost everything? I have to go tonight but right now I'm wishing more than anything that I could just disappear instead. I'll find a place to hide there. A corner where no one will find me.
I'll be alone.
As usual.
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September 29th, 2005
08:19 pm - yayness!
Today was a good day
I
skipped accounting (again) cuz I'm a horrible student, and instead hung
out in the TA with buncha people. Then I went to lunch with Eric and
this guy Brian. Brian had skipped his class to come too and left his
stuff in the classroom and when we got back, his stuff was locked in
the classroom, haha. So Tom played guitar and Eric and Andrew sang the
"I left my shit in a locked classroom" blues. It rocked. I have to
admit, Andrew's verses were the best. There was much laughter.
Brian likes chinchilla porn.
Oh and I was able to talk to a certain someone without falling apart. Lol. That rocked.
And I like my PE class.
Yes. Good day. Very good day.
Happy.
Oh yea... and TECH STARTS SATURDAY!!!!!!!
later: Dude! My day keeps gettin better! I just found one of my
recipe books, my keychain I use as a necklace, AND 9 bucks! I'm rich!
Current Mood: happy happy HYPER happy!!!!!!
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September 23rd, 2005
08:13 pm - If you care enough to know...
I'm feeling like crap right now.
I'm starting to get really worried. I've always been afraid of dying and not being able to say goodbye and such... but a few days ago, something happened, and for a split second I realized none of that would matter if I died. I wouldnt have to deal with the hurt anyone else would feel, because I wouldnt feel. I'd be gone. There would be nothing. NOTHING. So none of my worries mattered. I cant explain it very well... but I guess I realized that death really is final. I guess I always felt there was a heaven and hell, that after death I'd be able to look down on everyone I cared about and watch over them. All of a sudden I felt like that didnt exist. Once you die, you dont go on to a better place. You're just gone and thats all there is to it... it scared me cuz it made me feel like I had nothing to hold me back. Cuz once I'm gone I wouldnt have guilt or anything like that to deal with.
Then today...
People say they care and such. But then again, who is really gonna tell u to ur face that they dont care about u and wouldnt miss u if u died? (with the exception of Serkan). Everyone says they care because they feel like its what theyre supposed to say. Well, actions speak louder than words. And judging by everyones actions, I dont feel like I would really be missed. So today, when I realized I had once again lost someone I once considered to be a close friend, I felt like I really should have gone thru with it last time. But that fear of hurting people, and the guilt I would feel is what stopped me. But now that I realized there would be no guilt, hurt, or regret...
I'm not so scared anymore.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/indifferent_sp.gif) destructive
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September 19th, 2005
12:41 pm
So theres this guy, right? And I kinda like him, right? Even tho I dont really know him or talk to him that much, I keep thinking about him and it sucks.
Just thought I'd share.
Benjamin rocks. Skyler makes me smile.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/loved_sp.gif) *still* hopelessly romantic
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August 30th, 2005
10:39 pm - oerukngsaeoirgbnhiunhb
feels like so much is going on at once.
dont know how to feel about it.
hmm
help?
Current Mood: hopelessly romantic
Current Music: "What Would I Do?" ~ 3 Doors Down
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July 18th, 2005
07:27 pm
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.
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July 12th, 2005
04:28 pm
Parties every other weekend???
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!
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June 17th, 2005
10:57 pm
Eh. Its been a while. Guess it doesnt really matter since no one reads this thing anyway. That or just no one cares.
But I guess I'll update anyway.
Lets see... for a while, things were pretty good. Busy, but good. Busy tends to... i dunno... keep me distracted i guess.
Im a certified bartender now. Thats pretty cool.
I went to the most awesome party ever. (so awesome i dont even know how to describe it).
But the day after the party, shit got pretty bad. And its just gotten crazy worse since. Its been like this for the past 2 weeks, getting worse every day. The worst was Tuesday night. Ugh. Bad.
Not that anyone reads this thing anyway.
Well. I do miss u guys. (u guys directed to the MC friends I had made this past year since u guys r pretty much the only ppl that might read this).
Bye.
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May 15th, 2005
11:04 am
Hey guys, this is just something I wrote. Please comment on it, feedback is really important to me when it comes to my poetry.
A single tear falls down my cheek
And you'll never know.
Neither will he.
A single blade drags across my wrist
And you'll never know.
Neither will he.
A single drop is left in the bottle
And you'll never know.
Neither will he.
You'll never know how much you mean to me.
He'll never know how much I miss him.
You'll never know how you made me feel.
He'll never know how much I need him.
One single pill left on the table
You'll never know.
And neither will he.
So yea, please let me know what u think of it and what u think its about. (*what*, not *who*). Thanks a bunch guys.
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May 8th, 2005
03:36 am
So today was a loooooooooooooooong day.
It started out with me waking up at 8 something in the morning to clean Paco's cage, which is a lot more work than it sounds. It involved me carrying Paco's cage all the way downstairs and out to the driveway BY MYSELF... and if you've seen Paco's cage then you'd know what a feat that is. And yea, cleaning the pan, hosing down the pan and cage, drying it, wiping the wall the cage is usually against, vacuuming the area around where the cage usually is, cleaning his little ball that he runs around in, and cleaning his little bath house thing, and yea... it was lots of work. about 2 hours or so of it. I know you all were just SO interested in hearing about my cleaning abilities but i just thought I'd share.
Then my mom discovered the art of burning CDs... and had me make her 3 mix CDs even tho i was tryin to get ready to leave since Aaron was SUPPOSED to be on his way. :-P. but nooooo, he was LATE. hehe, its okay, i still <3 you. :-). Anyway, so Aaron finally gets Jen and picks me up and we get to Columbia Mall an hour late to meet Karen, Lauren, and Jonathan. Oh well. It wasnt quite as exciting as Karen made it seem to be. Maybe thats just cuz im not much of a mall person. (Some of that could be due to the fact that Zafar took us to the mall EVERY DAY of winter break, lol). So yea, wandered around the mall for like 2 hours and went into all the stores that we could have easily gone to at Montgomery Mall. Still, it was a fun group of people and Jen and I almost stalked these funny guys reciting random lines from Rejected. (I love those cartoon thingies, they funny).
Oh yea, and when Jen was lookin at jewlery at this kiosk, Aaron and I almost broke it. lol. not really. more like we were playing with the spinny display thingies and almost broke those and the lady was pissed so Aaron and I were like OKAY, time to go. So we all went to Silver Diner.
At Silver Diner, we lucked out and out waiter was... SKITTER. lol, awesome guy. (he sings to us :-D). Tho, I dont think he was really supposed to be our waiter cuz this one guy came and was like "i'll be with you in a minute" and then a few mins later, Skitter came and was like "hey *small talk* what do you guys want to drink?" and then he went and got them and we're sitting there with our drinks in front of us and the first guy comes back and is like "okay, so can I get your drinks?" and we're all confused cuz we have our drinks... yea, it was funny.
So after dinner, Lauren and her bro had to go home and Jonathan had to go back to college park so Karen had to go too since he was her ride and it was sad :-(. So me, Aaron, and Jen went back to her place, watched a music video and an episode of Twilight Zone, and then headed out once again.
We ended up goin to the car show on the pike. Not as amusing as it has been the past few times I've been but oh well, we ended up staying for a while anyway. Eduardo met up with us there and Karen ended up hanging out with another friend and comin back to the pike so she stopped by too. Lots of chillin, flirting (:-P), and fun times.
Thennnn, we decided to go back to Jens place to watch a nightmare on elm street flick and Rick came with and me, Aaron, and Eduardo were all sittin on the couch usin each other as pillows, tryin to stay awake. (Yea, i know, facinating, huh?). Then when the movie was over we went home and now im here. I guess lookin back it doesnt seem like much but HEY, it was fun.
Oh yea, we *almost* bought another chinchilla today. But I told my rents we werent ready for another one yet cuz we didnt have all the necessary supplies and whatnot. Oh well. We'll prolly get one soon. (My mom really really wants baby chinchillas). And ya know why??? Cuz chinchillas are the COOLEST animals EVER. and not to mention cutest.
Wow, now im just rambling. I think I might be tired.... just maybe.
Oh yea again... schools pretty much over. I only have to go back one day next week for exams and thats it so yea, as far as im concerned, its summer break already. So I'm free to chill. (YAYNESS).
I wonder how many people actually took the time to read this thing. So if you read this, comment even if its just "hi" cuz im the most curious person in the world and i have to know everything including how many people even bothered to read this. :-D:-D:-D. Oh shush, u know u <3 me. hehe.
ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME
I wore my purple corset today. I like it. AND my hairs dyed purple again. It makes me happy. :-)
Wow, why am i still writing this? Damn, i must be REALLY tired. Okay, i will stop................
now. :-P :-D
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May 3rd, 2005
09:28 pm
"fuck you i really do fucking hate you now dont ever try to talk to me again you fucking bitch i hope you suffer in your heap of bullshit for the rest of your useless fucking life i hate you"
So the truth finally comes out.
I love how we both get pissed at each other for the other not knowing or understanding the bullshit we have to deal with.
You dont know me.
AT ALL.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/angry_sp.gif) pissed but holding it in
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April 27th, 2005
02:36 pm
I hate myself so fucking much right now.
I'm sorry...
I'm no better than he is.
I think I'm gonna be sick
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